Yesterday's post on modesty elicited a number of responses - some private and a few public (on the blog). If you haven't had a chance to read it yet, please do and let me know what you think.
There were good examples and suggestions of better dress codes and school uniforms. One response spoke of the difficulty in even finding modest attire for teenagers. This is true. We (Rosemary and I) are truly blessed that our 16 year old daughter has never developed an interest in trendy clothing, and in fact her sense of modesty would bring a smile to the face of Mother Theresa! Finding clothing for her is certainly a challenge, but not impossible. I think the bigger challenge generally is to get teens to wear more modest clothing if and when we find it. From a young age they tend to want to wear what their friends are wearing, and this may not be a problem when they are younger but it becomes one as they enter their teen years. For those of you with younger girls, please keep this in mind!
As I said yesterday, men and women are different. My sister, Beth, in her response on the blog said this:
You are right, men and women are very different and I think the problem is two-fold and somewhat contradictory - 1. Girls feel powerful when they can somehow affect a man, regardless of age and without further intent or thought (and there usually is not an ounce of intent in the dressing other than to get a look which affirms they can get attention), and 2. Girls have no idea of what that power does to a man, because it is really the power of the enemy at work. So realizing this, understand that there can still be a true innocence in them and don't judge them as (to use an OLD phrase) "loose" or "easy".We all like to be affirmed in many ways and for many girls, I would even say most, being affirmed as "pretty" or "at least as pretty as the other girls" is quite important. You don't want to be ignored. You don't want to be looked past to see the girl behind you.
I believe all of what she says to be true, but it is not fair to put all of the onus on our girls. Boys must be taught to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5b) and that regardless of how a girl dresses or even acts, she is worthy of respect and love. The idea that "boys will be boys" is not an acceptable mantra for raising them. The concept of sexuality that modern culture encourages must be constantly counter-acted. A daunting and exhausting task, I know. If you have a teenage son I strongly suggest that you buy him a copy of "Every Young Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. But before you give it to him, read it yourself. If you are a man, you will recognize a lot of the issues you have dealt with (and possibly still are). If you are a woman you may be surprised and even shocked at some of the concepts taught here but I affirm they are true. All of this said though, God created us differently as a blessing - we have just done a great job of messing up this area of our lives.
Remember this: Satan will do everything in his power to get us (and our kids) to have sex before marriage; and everything in his power to get us NOT to have sex after we are married.
Grace and peace to you be multiplied,
Bruce
Lord,I pray that our children will develop a passion for purity that is even greater than the urgency of the sexual drive You have given them. May they always think of their bodies as Your dwelling place and want to keep them pure for You (1Cor 6:19). Help our kids to feel they can bring their questions about sex to us. Please give us the right words in awkward moments so we can help them feel ease, as well as answer them clearly, fully, and with confidence (Prove. 25:11). Nudge us when it's the right time to pass on an important attitude or piece of information, even if our kids aren't asking for it.O Lord, these are such tough times for a teenager who wants to be pure. Please, Lord, give our children strength to hold onto what they've been taught about these things from a young age (Prov. 3:1).I pray that our children will see through the barrage of false and immoral messages about sexuality portrayed on TV and in movies. Fill our children with a genuine and enthusiastic desire to save sex for marriage.Lord, please use every important influence in Your power (spiritual conviction, our example, their Christian friends' belief systems, medical facts, and even their own logic) to add up to a winning case for the wisdom and value of abstinence until marriage. Keep satan from succeeding in making our kids think it's futile to try to be sexually pure or that because they are tempted, they are evil and might as well give in. Remind them that You were tempted, Lord. But because You remained sinless, You have power and compassion to help when they are tempted (Heb. 2:18).Show our children that it is actually courageous to run away at the first sign of sexual temptation (2 Tim. 2:22). Help them to avoid situations where they could fall prey to lust (James 1:14). Signal them when it's time to say, "Please don't do that," or " I think I'd better take you home."Above all, Lord, may abstinence not seem to them a sacrifice as much as a way to guard a wonderful treasure. May our children grow up knowing that sex is a gift from You worth celebrating and protecting.Amen
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My husband was a fan of many things, one of them, so sadly, being porn. I was a “prude, boring” etc. for not sharing his interest. I often asked him how he would feel if those pictures were of his daughter, or of her friends. He didn’t understand the connection there.
ReplyDeletePorn is sort of the end-point of what you are talking about. It is the ultimate immodesty. But I truly believe that unless fathers – and it takes a father to do this – unless a father teaches his daughter that her body is private and special and beautiful, she will not hear this message. She will defintely not value modesty if, and this is how “the system” works, she is to attract men so that one day, she will find The Man of her dreams. Everything will encourage her to be immodest unless she is taught to value the mystery inherent in a “wrapped package”, as it were. These signals have to come from Dad, and is a job that fathers of daughters must take very seriously.
I used to see girls in Grade Six wearing tops to school that looked preceisely like bras. The school responded with a dress code! God bless them!
Porn is as degrading to women as rape, in my humble opinion. It objectifies them .. well ... you know all the arguments. But as long as fathers watch it, daughters will learn, through a wierd kind of osmosis, or something, that their bodies are to be displayed as prominently as possible. We got rid of manners. We’ve eliminated all those values that honour women...and yet! When a prominent person is caught with a prostitute or with porn, we are loud in our horror! How strange is THAT?
I could not teach my daughter modesty, except to try to exemplify it. She had no ears for my views because I was “just” another woman. But Bruce – you CAN teach this, and it is, frankly, your job. I am sure you do it beautifully, too! I think, though, that fathers have to take this modestly deal to its end point – to face porn – because otherwise, men will continue to buy it, precisely because they have so objectified the women/girls that they see no ties between the women on the screen and the women in their own homes.
Modesty has been a huge issue in our home since our daughter began developing and getting attention because of it. We have done many different things in order to enforce correct behavoir but have learned in the process that it's the Holy Spirit that must guide her ultimately. Yes we can police her clothes and we do but it doesn't change the fact that when she's not with us, she can remove a layer, pull down a top, or even just move her body in a way that is immodest. It's not just what she wears, but how she responds and behaves towards guys. It's been heartbreaking to watch her need this reinforcement from the opposite sex even with a very involved father and church teaching and a mother who sets an example. I'm praying for her soul to be captured by the love of God and not the attention of man and I believe that ultimately that will have the most impact over her dress and behavoir.
ReplyDeleteThanks for starting the discussion.